Cancer Is Bad. It’s Also Awkward.

8 Jan

By SULEIKA JAOUAD

One unexpected aspect of falling ill is, to sum it up in a word: awkwardness.

People often feel awkward when broaching the subject of illness and cancer in particular. What can I do? What do I say? How should I say it? Should I say anything?

From my end, I can tell you that it’s awkward for the patient too. How do I deal with friends who are clearly at a loss for what to say? How do I respond to the question, ‘is there anything I can do’? When people ask me ‘how are you,’ do they really want to know how I am, or do they just want to hear that I’m ‘doing ok’? How do I talk about radical changes in appearance (if at all), such as baldness?

The list goes on.

I’ve struggled with this awkwardness–these questions–since the very beginning of my diagnosis. With much reflection and input from friends and family, I’ve come up with a few tips and suggestions. I’ll be posting advice regularly under the category ‘Secrets of Cancerhood.’ If you feel inclined, we can extend the conversation to the comment section. I think these themes run through many areas of life.

 Secrets of Cancerhood #1: Say the Unsaid

What’s in a name? When you’re talking about the name of a medical diagnosis, it can mean everything.

Don’t be afraid to call your condition by its name. It will be daunting at first, but you will find that it gets easier each time you say it.  Conquering the vocabulary of your disease is not just a semantic exercise.  It’s a vital first step towards shedding your denial and looking your new reality in the eyes.

At first, I was incapable of pronouncing the term leukemia without choking on my words. I didn’t want to recognize it.  It was too big and scary. And as long as I avoided it, I noticed that everyone else followed suit. The disease became the proverbial elephant in the room, growing more and more menacing with each conversation.

Talking openly about what you’re going through is contagious (in the healthiest sense). Illness has a mirroring effect that can be counterintuitive: it’s often the caregivers who take direction from the patient. You set the tone. As you open up about your condition, you indicate to your friends and family that it’s OK to talk about what is happening to you—both the good and the bad.

In my experience, some of my visitors seemed so intent upon not upsetting me that they avoided the topic of cancer altogether. I can’t blame them, but by eschewing the reason I was there in the first place, they left me feeling more uncomfortable and less reassured than before. I made it clear to them that there is no perfect thing to say, but that you have to say something. No one can “feel your pain,” but if you don’t talk about it, you are setting yourself up to feel isolated and misunderstood.

Openness has the effect of moving the disease from the subtext to the foreground, stripping it of its power to silently infect and distort the conversation. Once it’s out there, you might be surprised to find that the conversation will move fluidly from heavier topics to lighter ones.

Follow @suleikajaouad on Twitter and on her Facebook Page.

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8 Responses to “Cancer Is Bad. It’s Also Awkward.”

  1. Saud Al-Thani January 9, 2012 at 12:14 am #

    Thank you for sharing your candid thoughts, Suleika! I’ve only read the first post so far, but I’ve already began to see how this experience has caused you to learn A LOT of things (not just knowledge-based, but also experience-based). When you get better God willing I’d highly encourage you to turn these blog posts into a book that will serve as a guide to others who are going through what you are going through. You really have a knack for writing and have a unique ability to convey a lot of sentiments through your words. They are very transforming. My best to you Suleika; you are always in my prayers.

  2. Anonymous January 8, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    This blog is extremely informative and you’re an eloquent writer. Thank you for putting it out there.

  3. JF January 9, 2012 at 12:10 am #

    Please keep writing. I’m so touched by your eloquence and frankness.

  4. KEP January 9, 2012 at 12:20 am #

    I found your blog via Monica and wanted to send words of thanks and support your way. A close friend of mine spent the last year fighting colon cancer and kept a blog in which you might find some kindred thoughts and fears… http://defeatingcancer.net/2011/02/letter-to-cancer/

  5. MQ January 9, 2012 at 3:07 am #

    Suleika, you probably don’t remember me but I do remember running into you and Saud at Frist Campus Center a couple of times… We talked about Tunisia (I was an international student from Pakistan) and I was taking Arabic 102 at that time. I guess this is a test from God and I just want you to know, you’re in my prayers… Sending you warm wishes and a hug from Karachi!

  6. viveksemiotics January 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    “Openness has the effect of moving the disease from the subtext to the foreground, stripping it of its power to silently infect and distort the conversation.” This applies to so many things from diseases to social pathologies. Really well put!

  7. Wes Morgan January 9, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

    This is helpful, Suleika. It’s very hard to know what to say to friends with major medical problems, whether it’s cancer or amputations or something else.

  8. Kristen March 5, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    Hi Suleika – I’m so happy to have met you last week at Mt. Sinai and to have learned about your blog. I relate with so much of what you discuss (I am currently being treated for Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma). I forwarded your blog to my family and friends and they are very thankful for your insight.

    Like you, I have found that the people around me take many of their cues from me regarding how to act and what to say. It took me a while to feel comfortable with my newly bald head, but once I started sporting it publicly, I found that it serves as a great ice breaker. People ask questions and generally seem comfortable addressing the fact that I’m sick and in treatment, which is so much less awkward than the alternative.

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience!

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